Colonels and Crayons
by Panthers Midnight Lair
Summary: Tag for Learning Curve.  Jack was willing to put his career on the line for a girl he hardly knew.  Daniel wants to know why.


Colonels and Crayons

Season: 3

Rating: R

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Category: H/C

Spoilers: Learning Curve

Warnings: Non-graphic slash, disturbing scenes, adult situations.

_Disclaimer: The Stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM. I don't own them. I just like to play with them._

Tag for Learning Curve. Jack was willing to put his career on the line for a girl he hardly knew. Daniel wants to know why.

Daniel pushed open the front door and dropped his keys on the table in the foyer. The house was silent, though he knew by the truck parked out front that Jack was home. He wasn't the type of guy to ordinarily make a lot of noise, but when he was pissed Jack was absolutely silent and currently he was several shades past pissed. If he was making any noise at all it would only be because he was breaking something or screaming at someone.

Daniel began a very thorough room to room search knowing that calling out to him wouldn't get a response. In fact, Jack could be sitting in a chair, watch him walk right by knowing he was looking for him and never say a word. Daniel understood the thought process behind it, but it still made the search a little frustrating at times.

Jack didn't want to talk. He was hurting and he was angry, either of which could have inspired a long bout of stubborn silence. The combination could easily leave him mute for days. What he wanted was to be left alone until he sorted things out or managed to shove his demons back in the closet. Unfortunately, leaving him to wallow in his misery wasn't something Daniel had ever been any good at.

He didn't expect Jack to open up to him. That was hardly the man he knew and he would have been shocked if such a thing had actually happened. Urging Jack to talk about what was bothering him would only piss him off more and inspire a dreaded bout of breaking and screaming. If you didn't already know what was going on in his head then he certainly wasn't going to volunteer any information because everything in his gray matter was doled out on a strictly Need to Know basis. Most of the time it was his opinion that you didn't need to know.

At the same time Jack had an incredibly difficult time talking about what was bothering him in the first place. Hunting for the words only added to his frustration and since he wasn't even remotely interested in digging into his thoughts and feelings to get to the heart of the problem he rarely made the effort. He much preferred to simply bury them.

In total it meant getting anything out of Jack when he was in a mood was like pulling teeth. If you wanted information you had to figure it out for yourself the best you could because babbling at him about feelings and whatnot would lead to a dead end. What Jack felt could only be communicated using his own personal language; a complex vocabulary filled with glares, sighs, and grinding teeth. He didn't know how to express it any other way and if you couldn't figure it out he certainly wasn't going to help. Fortunately, Daniel was fluent in Jack O'Neill.

Daniel had been in Hammond's office when Jack had apparently hatched the plan to smuggle Merrin off the base. Of course, if he'd had any idea that's what Jack was going to do he would have tried to talk him out of it, not that it would have worked. Thankfully it was Hammond behind that desk because anybody else would have tossed Jack in the brig rather than letting him off with a warning to get a grip on himself and the threat of an official reprimand if he didn't. Hammond was used to Jack's attitude, but this was out of control even for Jack. He'd kidnapped a young girl, openly defied a direct order, and thumbed his nose at Hammond's authority. From Jack's point of view it had apparently been justified. That was the part Daniel didn't understand.

Daniel had heard every word of Jack's outraged protest at the way the Orbanians were treating their children. He understood the concept Jack was so blatantly against and to be honest Daniel agreed with him. What he couldn't understand was why anger was pouring off Jack in palpable waves over the children of an alien race; ones he barely knew. No, their way of life wasn't necessarily fair to the dozens of children affected, but it wasn't without reason and it certainly wasn't worth being court-marshaled for. Obviously at the time Jack hadn't exactly agreed. Something about the situation had struck a very personal chord with him and Daniel honestly didn't understand the connection.

Daniel wandered through the house knowing he was about to start a very complicated conversation with an incredibly unwilling partner. Obviously it had touched a nerve from Jack's past and that was going to make the whole thing that much more difficult. Jack didn't talk about his past, not unless he had to. He dolled that kind of information out in scan amounts scattered over years.

Daniel only knew about Charlie because someone else had told him. He only knew about Sarah because he had seen her picture on the mantle and asked. He only knew about Jack's time in prison because he had casually mentioned it in a single statement that he had refused to elaborate on. He only knew about Jack's nearly fatal mission in Iraq because Sam had told him and Jack had let it slip to her in a pain induced daze. That was very nearly the entirety of what he knew of Jack's past and it had taken him four years to gather it. It was possible the whole situation with Merrin was some how tied to Charlie, though he couldn't be sure. It was also possible he was wading into completely new territory.

Daniel found himself standing back in the kitchen having made a full lap around the house and coming up empty handed. He checked the driveway: yep, the truck was still there. He checked the garage: yep, Jack's bike was still there. So unless he had gone out for a walk, a very uncharacteristic event, he was somewhere in the house. When the second lap left him still empty handed it suddenly occurred to him that he had missed a place. It also occurred to him that if Jack was up there it was a very bad sign. Sometimes Jack went up to the crow's nest to fiddle with his telescope and look at the stars. However, brooding wasn't a mood that typically inspired the desire for stargazing. If he was hiding out on the roof it meant he was hurting a whole lot more than Daniel had imagined.

Climbing the ladder that was built into the side of the house Daniel has half hoping he wouldn't find him there. He cringed when a pair of legs came into view as he ascended the final few rungs. The sight that greeted him, however, was almost exactly what he'd expected to find, just somewhere inside the house rather than perched on the roof. Jack was staring at the horizon, jaw set, arms folded across his chest. Still radiating anger, his eyes were nearly black with the emotion.

Daniel didn't bother to speak. Jack knew he was there and any attempts at casual conversation would be completely ignored. Instead, Daniel began doing what he always did before trying to coax Jack out of a mood. Perched on the railing of the confined space, he studied him, cataloging every clue. Jack wouldn't look at him…he didn't want to talk. That was a given. He was grinding his teeth…whatever had gotten under his skin was still bubbling away in there somewhere. His arms were folded…he was in no mood for physical contact. He was empty handed…he was still angry. Jack never drank when he was angry. It made it far too easy to lose control of both his temper and his drinking. Steeling his nerve, Daniel dove in and hoped for the best.

"So…are we ordering Chinese, Thai, or Pizza tonight?" Daniel asked innocently, pretending to ignore the entire situation.

"Whatever." Jack said flatly, his voice quiet.

"You know, Italian might be a nice change of pace." He offered as if he was actually considering what to eat for dinner when in reality it was the furthest thing from his mind.

"Fine. Get Italian." Jack replied with a quiet sigh.

Daniel paused, tucking the clue away with the others. A quiet sigh…he was still harboring a modicum of patience so he wasn't necessarily in the mood for a fight, but one step in the wrong direction and he'd bring it with both barrels.

"Before I forget…Janet wants to know if you'll dog sit while she and Cassie are gone this weekend."

"Yeah, that'll be fine." Jack nodded, his tone still quiet.

There were two guaranteed safe topics with Jack even when he was at his worst: food and dogs. In fact, it was times like this when Daniel regretted that Jack didn't have a dog of his own. Dog drool had the ability to draw him out of nearly any mood. A wet nose pressed to his hand and a warm tongue slopping all over his face and he was a new man. Daniel didn't understand his affection for the furry creatures, but he knew they resonated with Jack like nothing else.

Daniel took the opportunity to make his next move while pleasant thoughts of dogs were still running through Jack's mind. Without a word he rested a hand on Jack's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. Jack didn't offer any encouragement, but he didn't shrug the hand off either so he took that as a good sign. Hoping he had just found his way in, Daniel pushed away from the railing and gripped Jack's other shoulder with his free hand, tentatively massaging from where he stood behind the chair.

"Daniel." Jack said quietly, his tone free of any warning or anger. "Don't."

He stopped, hands still rested on Jack's shoulders, and contemplated the latest clue. Calm, but very quiet tone…somewhere in there pain was overtaking anger, but Jack wasn't ready or willing to let it come spilling out.

It was tempting to go charging ahead and try to drag the truth about the mess with the Orbanians out of him even if Jack felt it necessary to spill his guts at the top of his lungs. But, that was not how the game was played.

"What?" Daniel asked very simply, letting Jack translate the question any way he wanted.

"I don't want to talk about it." Jack warned.

"I know."

"I don't need you trying to wheedle it out of me."

"I know."

"I know it was a bad idea to take Merrin, ok?"

"Ok."

"I know I almost ended my career over this."

"Ok."

"No, I don't know why I did it…and no I don't want to talk about it." Jack stated in a tone just short of a growl.

"I know."

"So if you know then why are we talking about it?" Jack snapped.

"We're not." Daniel said simply.

"It sure the hell sounds like we are."

"No, I'm just standing here looking at the stars and agreeing not to talk about it."

Jack lapsed back to silence and Daniel couldn't help smiling to himself, his hands still rested on Jack's shoulders. They'd discussed as much of the topic as they were going to and all without Daniel having to say a word. All that was left was figuring out what nightmare from Jack's past had been awakened by the notion that dozens of the Orbanian children were essentially left to a joyless, nearly soulless life after their ovarium because he doubted Jack's explosion really had anything at all to do with the Orbanians. They had just been the trigger. The real topic was still buried somewhere inside.

"As long as we're not talking about it then I guess you don't really have to stop." Jack grudgingly stated.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Ok." Daniel replied before taking up his gentle ministrations once again, working slowly, methodically on tense muscles, feeling Jack relax into his touch little by little.

Eventually Jack reached up and took hold of the fingers on one of Daniel's hands, pulling that arm across his chest. Daniel followed the motion with his other arm.

"Want me to stop?" Daniel asked quietly, leaning down and resting his chin on Jack's shoulder.

"No." Jack said, reaching up and holding Daniel's head against his own.

Daniel nodded against Jack's temple and tightened his grip on him the best he could in his slightly awkward position. Jack didn't want less contact he wanted more.

"I don't know why I did it." Jack confessed quietly. "I really don't."

"Maybe down in there somewhere you do." Daniel replied gently. "Maybe it's just not about the Orbanians."

"Meaning?" Jack warned.

"Something made it seem like a good idea at the time otherwise you wouldn't have done it."

"They are throwing those kids away, Daniel." Jack groused.

"I know." Daniel replied gently. "They consider it a noble sacrifice."

"And you agree with that?"

"No. I don't. I think there has to be a better way, but you know as well as I do that we can't always make people see that."

"It's not 'noble'." Jack groused, hands gripping Daniel's arms. "They let those kids die and don't even give it a second thought."

"Wait a minute, Jack. Nobody said anything about them dying. They're taken care of after the ovarium they just aren't given the benefit of education without nanites. I don't think the Orbanians even realize such a thing exists."

"It doesn't matter." Jack insisted, tugging Daniel's arms from across his chest and getting to his feet. "They're wrong. The whole thing is completely unconscionable."

"Jack."

"Leave it alone, Daniel." Jack insisted as he mounted the ladder and began climbing back down to the deck.

As if Daniel hadn't already been aware that Jack was livid, the fact that he was using words like "unconscionable" was a dead give away. Jack tended to forget to play dumb when he was supremely pissed. The intelligence he went to great lengths to hide would inevitably come spilling out.

Daniel followed his retreat down the ladder and into the house. Thankfully he hadn't been harboring any illusions that the mystery was going to come to light without at least some amount of screaming and yelling, otherwise he would have been very disappointed by the conversation that would take place in the next few moments. However, sometimes the only way to get information out of Jack was to shake the tree and see what fell out.

"Jack." He said tugging the sliding glass door closed.

"No, Daniel. I said I didn't want to talk about it and I meant it." Came the angry retort from somewhere farther inside the house.

"Just tell me why you thought Merrin was going to die if she went back to Orban."

"I don't know… I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"So you know what I'm thinking now?" Jack growled.

"You said it yourself."

"They might as well be dead for all the future those people give them." He bellowed.

"Ok, but that's not what you said."

"Who cares what I said." He snapped.

"I do. I think it's important."

"Well I don't. Just drop it. It's over. Merrin's gone back to have her brain sucked out and that's the end of it."

"Is it?"

"What?" Jack snapped.

"Is that the end of it?"

"Oh for crying out loud." Jack groused.

"It makes sense if you thought you were helping to save Merrin's life." Daniel said. "I can see you risking your career for that. I would have done the same thing."

"I didn't think they were going to kill her." Jack growled. "I'm not a head case."

"I never said you were."

"But you think I took her off base because I thought I was helping to save her life."

"Yes." Daniel said simply.

"Why would I think that?"

"I don't know, Jack. You tell me?"

"I can't." Jack snapped. "It doesn't make any sense."

"I agree."

"I'm done talking, Daniel." Jack stated. "That's it. No more of this crap."

"Jack."

"Daniel."

The combination of his tone of voice and the black look in his eye convinced Daniel to give up the discussion for the time being. It wasn't over, Jack was just busy trying to stuff whatever demon he'd tripped over back into the box hoping it would all go away when he did. Daniel was fairly sure it wouldn't.

**XxXxXxXx**

It was late, but Daniel was wide awake. Jack had been tossing and turning for at least a half hour, mumbling and groaning in his sleep. As he'd suspected it would, the discussion had followed Jack into his sleep. They had that in common. The biggest annoyances always ended up flouncing through their dreams.

Daniel rolled toward Jack and pressed himself against his back, wrapping an arm around him, hoping it would be enough to settle him. The reaction was almost instantaneous. In less time than it took Daniel's head to settle back to the pillow Jack was hollering and struggling against the minimal grip, scuttling off the bed and crouching with his back pressed to the far wall.

"Jack."

"They'll kill him." Jack gasped.

"What? Who?"

"Don't do it. They'll kill him."

"Jack?"

It had been a very long time since he'd seen Jack that unhinged. Whatever this mystery thing was it was bigger than Charlie; darker than Charlie. Daniel could tell by the way Jack was panting for air, fingers clawing into the paint on the wall behind him that touching him at that point would have been a very bad idea. Jack would throw him half way across the room before he even realized what he was doing or who he was doing it to. Instead Daniel reached over and turned on the light, squinting and blinking as night instantly became day. The sudden illumination seemed to have the desired effect on Jack who looked obviously confused by the sudden change of scenery from dreamscape to reality.

"Jack?" Daniel said quietly, watching as Jack jerked his gaze around the room.

"What happened?"

"You were having a dream."

"Got that much." Jack panted, suddenly realizing where he was and slowly unfolding himself from his perch against the wall.

Daniel studied him as he crept back toward the bed. There was a certain part of Jack's past that was labeled completely off limits. He never talked about it. Ever. Daniel suspected the details were buried in a collection of Black Ops files that would never see the light of day. The only reason Daniel knew that section of his past even existed was because of the expression Jack was wearing on his face as he turned to sit on the edge of the bed. It was dark and venomous and impossible to reconcile with the Jack O'Neill he knew. It was the face of a complete stranger. He'd only seen it once before in flashes here and there during the first mission to Abydos. This alarming individual was driven by duty and nothing else. He had no emotions other than anger and had no problem with collateral damage during the course of a mission. He was cold and calculating in a way Jack O'Neill could never be.

Watching Jack from where he sat half a bed away, no one had to tell Daniel to tread carefully. He wasn't exactly afraid of what Jack would do, but his reaction to uninvited attention was impossible to guess.

"You ok?" He asked quietly, testing the waters by resting a hand lightly on Jack's back.

"Don't." Jack warned, arching away from the contact. "Please…just don't."

"Ok." Daniel retracted his hand. "Want to talk about it?"

"You don't want to hear this." Jack shook is head with a sardonic snort.

"Yes I do."

"Trust me, Daniel."

"You don't have to tell me, but…I do want to hear it. Who were they going to kill?"

"What?" Jack demanded, spinning toward him, eyes black, the stranger's face still very visible.

"You said they would kill him." Daniel swallowed, holding his ground despite the knot forming in his stomach.

"Don't worry about it." Jack replied, turning back around, his hostility dropping a few degrees.

Apparently whatever was crawling around in his mind was something he fully intended to keep to himself. However, a dream about death on the heels of the Merrin fiasco was not a detail that escaped Daniel's attention.

"I'm not worried about it. I am a little worried about you, though."

"Don't be." Jack said flatly. "I'm fine."

"Yeah, see that might be a bit more convincing if you were actually looking at me."

"Whether or not you believe me is not my problem." Jack retorted.

Daniel hardly knew what the say in the face of such a callous response. It was tempting to get up and head for the guest room and leave Jack to sort it out himself, but it wasn't an option he was willing to actually consider. Whatever Orban had stirred up inside Jack it was dark and ugly and Daniel wasn't going to leave him to deal with it alone. That wasn't what their relationship was about. They were there for each other through the bad, the ugly, and the horrifying. No matter how bad it got that's just the way it was.

"Who was going to die?" Daniel pressed.

"You don't want to hear this." Jack repeated.

"Yes, I do."

"Trust me. There are some things you don't want to know."

"Can you let me decide that?"

"No, I can't." Jack retorted getting up from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Some place quieter." Jack stated as he marched out the door.

Daniel let him have a little space, settling against the headboard and casting glances at the door until a half hour had passed with no sign that Jack intended to come back. Sliding out of bed he followed a faint light out to the den where he found Jack settled in a chair scowling at nothing across the room. Much to his relief, the stranger was gone.

Daniel settled on the couch, elbows on his knees and waited.

"What?" Jack finally asked quietly.

"Just want to make sure you're ok."

"Yeah." Jack nodded, the disturbed expression on his face contradicting the statement.

Daniel nodded back at him and let his gaze wander from Jack's face to the coffee table to the floor and went back to waiting.

"You know I didn't mean…" Jack finally offered after several long moments of silence.

"I know." Daniel interrupted. "Feel like telling me…"

"I meant _that_." Jack interrupted. "There are some things you really don't need to hear."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because you don't think I'd understand?"

Daniel watched the muscles in Jack's jaw bunch as he clenched his teeth.

"Because you'd never look at me the same way again." Jack finally admitted, his gaze finding Daniel.

"I'd like to think our relationship is stronger than that." Daniel replied quietly, glancing from Jack to the floor and back again, his stomach churning at the idea that whatever Jack was hiding from him it was possibly catastrophic.

"You can't unhear it once you've heard it." Jack warned.

"I know." Daniel smiled.

"You'd better be sure about this."

"I'm sure." He nodded.

"I've never told anyone this. Not Sarah. Not Hammond. Not even Kowalski. Nobody."

Daniel nodded encouragingly. Jack settled his gaze on the floor and was quiet long enough that Daniel thought he had changed his mind. However, slowly, quietly Jack began to tell him a dark and disturbing story about a mission in the deserts of Afghanistan at a time when the war was being fought by Soviet troops instead of Americans. As was still the case in modern times, male children often joined the fight early; much earlier than the typical age of induction in many other developed nations. Unfortunately for the children, to soldiers at war an enemy holding a weapon was an enemy regardless of the age. When a loaded semi-automatic was pointed at you you couldn't exactly worry about the age of the person pulling the trigger. No matter how badly you wanted to spare that life it came down to a simple equation: you shoot him or he shoots you.

Jack had found an opportunity to talk to a man from one of the tribes involved in the fight; a man handing over a weapon from the family arsenal to his eight-year-old son. Jack had told him what would happen, that the soldiers would have no choice, but to kill the boy. However, the man had already sacrificed an older daughter as a suicide bomber. He knew what would happen. He was fighting for his home and his land. No sacrifice was too great if it helped his people win the war. Jack had been helpless, unable to make the man see reason. Admitting defeat he had walked away and gone back to his mission leaving the boy to his fate.

"I should have saved him." Jack said, teeth and fists clenched. "I should have grabbed him and ran."

"You didn't have a choice, Jack."

"It was his son and the guy was sending him off to die. The kid had no chance. None. They didn't deserve kids if they were only going to use them as decoys. Like he would have even had a chance to pull the damn trigger. He might as well have sent them out there with a water pistol."

Understanding instantly bloomed in Daniel's mind. So this was what Merrin had really been about. Jack had obviously never forgiven himself for leaving the boy to die. Merrin's impending oravium that would leave her practically empty headed had struck a bit too close to the deeply buried regret and the hole it had left behind had Jack's darker days bubbling to the surface like crude oil.

Jack sat gripping the arms of the chair, digging his fingers into the material, vibrating with pain and frustration. Daniel got up from the couch and crouched in front of him longing to simply wrap arms around him. He had no idea what to say. There were no words that could make it seem any less ugly than it was. Without even attempting to pull together a response, Daniel rested a hand on Jack's knee and stared at him until he finally managed to catch Jack's reluctant gaze.

"I'm still here." He said quietly.

Jack nodded, gaze sliding to the hand on his knee.

"And I still love you."

Jack flicked a brief glance at him before nodding again. His eyes were on Daniel's hand, but he had yet to release his grip on the chair. Obviously the self-recrimination ran deeper than one act of confession could heal. He wasn't ready to accept comfort or forgiveness yet.

"So…maybe this thing with Merrin wasn't really about…her?" Jack offered quietly, hesitantly, having finally put the pieces together himself.

"Maybe." Daniel agreed.

"So maybe I might have made an ass of myself for nothing?"

"It's never for nothing." Daniel smiled. "You're always an ass for a reason."

"Gee thanks."

"Though not necessarily always a good one."

"You are trying to make me feel better, right?" Jack asked, mild humor bubbling to the surface despite the lost and desperate expression ghosting across his face.

Daniel knew exactly what to do with lost and desperate. Curling up somewhere and wrapping himself around Jack for a few hours wouldn't cure it, but it would settle it a bit.

"Right." Daniel nodded.

"Needs work." Jack informed him.

"Well, it's 02:00." Daniel pointed out. "Give a guy a break"

"Weak excuse."

"Come on." Daniel took Jack's hand and tugged him out of the chair. "Let's go back to bed. I'll think of a better one when the sun's up and I've had some coffee."


End file.
